Sunday, 19 February 2012

A difficult time....

This is my first posting for what seems ages. I've been quite preoccupied recently. that's my excuse & I'm sticking to it!
This year I'm 60; my body though tells me that I feel about mid 50. However, psychologically & emotionally I feel at an age I am unable to recognise because I feel so battered & bruised.

I've been a psychiatric nurse since 1971. I've seen, (&  for the main part coped with) many many changes in the National Health Service. I've seen the way that we as nurse are supposed to deliver the care to our patient's change, due to Government & local care suppliers demands & financial cutbacks. But I have tried to be consistent in the care I give. I have,- like all nurses arrived for duty early and stayed over our finished time all for no extra financial gain. And if I'm honest no extra financial remuneration was expected.
I have arrived home many a night emotionally and sometimes physically bruised.. Dragged myself out of bed on a cold winter morning & somehow cycled to work. But on reflection I wouldn't change my time.

But yesterday I feel that I experienced an emotion attack form a quarter I never (but maybe should have?) expected.....From my Mom.
 I've posted previously of how mom 'gave me away' to my maternal grandmother as a 'replacement' for grannies deceased illegitimate son who was killed in the Birmingham Blitz of 1941.Its become apparent recently that mom (like ALL of us) is damaged due to many factors & issues in her life, & it has emerged that she grew from an early age to dislike her mom due to her mom's morality & the fact that her mom had her put into care as she had ? rheumatic fever et al.
Yesterday was the anniversary of my biological fathers death & my brother took her to his grave. En route he drove to her fathers & mom's joint grave before treating her to lunch. She was apparently unmoved by the visit to her parents grave(s).
My daughter & I arrived later at the graveyard after Stephen & mom had left. I said a couple of prayers & then cleaned up the weather stained gravestones before heading home for a hot mug of coffee.
Speaking to mom later, asking her if she'd had a nice day she was non committal. I told her that I washed her mom's & dad's stone whereupon she exploded verbally & shouted that SHE-my biological mother-" was NOT my mother & that she hadn't gave birth to me". Stunned, I questioned her & again she reiterated that she (June not my granny) was not my mother. I hurried as best I could a near polite goodbye & ended the call.
Minutes later, she called back, & said that she was "sorry", & didn't mean what she had said.
Now, I'm not stupid enough to think that my biological mom is not my biological mom ( is she??!), but mom's comment which was prompted by hurt & anger at my washing the gravestone tells me much about mom's feelings towards me. They have in fact confirmed them.
Hurtful & lonesome as they were the comments were in fact liberating in a way. I now have confirmation of where I stand in the maternal relationship.
Hours later however, she apparently told my brother distorted facts about past events in my families &  her relationship. AKA lies.
I'm torn between damage limitation & severing the maternal relationship or continuing the relationship in which I provide a degree of care for her. However in both scenarios there will be 'collateral damage to lots of people.
What to do???
On a cheerful note: As I type here seated at the kitchen table I see Robin's, Blue Tits, Chaffinches, Dunnock's & the occasional wren flying to the bird table feeding at the seeds I have put out for them. Its lovely. all this whilst John Prescott is on 'Desert Island Discs'. on BBC Radio 4. This too is a treat. I recommend that if any of you are interested you log into www.bbc.co.uk & log on to the Radio 4 link for 'listen again'. You'll not be too disappointed.

Thanks for reading my ravings...(as opposed to my rantings!).
x

1 comment:

  1. I totally understand xx (Melissa)

    ReplyDelete