I am prepared to meet my Maker.
Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
Sir Winston Churchill, on the eve of his 75th birthday
Saturday 26 June 2010
Space.
I have noticed that since quiting work that not only do I have a little more time, but I also have more space within my thoughts for matters other than work.
Whilst working my time was occupied with matters relating to work, I had little space for which other matters could enter my life & thoughts. I had little time (nor energy) to allow muses, things of beauty or reflections to creep into my life.
However I now have this time. I am able to see the artistic potential of even the most mundane objects in life, I watched with intrigue a garden spider repairing her web & the industrious bees working their way around the crop of Foxgloves in the garden.
I reflected too upon the lack of Spirituality within the Roman Catholic Church-the Church I was baptised in.Every moment in the service is filled with noise of some description. There is no opportunity to 'be'.NO gaps within the noise to allow the spirit to settle (or to stir up!)within the heart. And I think I know why this space is denied: I believe that were people allowed this space, a time to reflect, to be silent for even a short time then God only knows what might happen!! People might not come back to the church again. They might, talk to one another, they might be spontaneous.
To have space or a period of silence flies in the face of the autocratic church rulers want. They rule, make policies, portray God as a uniform being-one size fits all. To have space or silence in the Holy Mass would allow the Spirit of God (whatever you perceive him or her to be)to enter the individual on an individual level. This,, to the autocratic church leaders/rulers would terrify them & anarchy would ensue. Bring it on!!!
For the sake of this space I now go to Mass on a Monday or Tuesday when there is the odd opportunity for silent reflection.
Whilst working my time was occupied with matters relating to work, I had little space for which other matters could enter my life & thoughts. I had little time (nor energy) to allow muses, things of beauty or reflections to creep into my life.
However I now have this time. I am able to see the artistic potential of even the most mundane objects in life, I watched with intrigue a garden spider repairing her web & the industrious bees working their way around the crop of Foxgloves in the garden.
I reflected too upon the lack of Spirituality within the Roman Catholic Church-the Church I was baptised in.Every moment in the service is filled with noise of some description. There is no opportunity to 'be'.NO gaps within the noise to allow the spirit to settle (or to stir up!)within the heart. And I think I know why this space is denied: I believe that were people allowed this space, a time to reflect, to be silent for even a short time then God only knows what might happen!! People might not come back to the church again. They might, talk to one another, they might be spontaneous.
To have space or a period of silence flies in the face of the autocratic church rulers want. They rule, make policies, portray God as a uniform being-one size fits all. To have space or silence in the Holy Mass would allow the Spirit of God (whatever you perceive him or her to be)to enter the individual on an individual level. This,, to the autocratic church leaders/rulers would terrify them & anarchy would ensue. Bring it on!!!
For the sake of this space I now go to Mass on a Monday or Tuesday when there is the odd opportunity for silent reflection.
Sick and tired....
Of all the things in this beautiful world that irritate me, make my teeth itch, cause me to feel really cross & actually provoke me to what has been called anarchistic responses are other people.
Specifically, people who attempt to 'control' & organise my day, my actions & especially those who attempt to tell me/control my beliefs & ideologies. This loathing I have also extends to those who regard the manner in which I live & my style of living as somehow inferior to theirs. They then have the damn gall to voice their biased opinions to me. Bastards.
I will not accept a directive that I must go somewhere, be somewhere etc at a certain time.
I will not accept obediently that I must conform with such & such policy just because the majority say that its right & proper to do so, & because the policy has been decided on my behalf by a body who did not ask my opinion in the first place. I am thinking now of the Nursing & Midwifery Council to whom I pay £65 odd per year for the privilege of being allowed to work as a nurse.
Rules, rules & more rules. Arrogant people believing themselves to be right, perfect, that their manner of living their life in their style is wonderful & that mine is shite & imperfect. Go to hell!!
I'll tell you what though...passive resistance is good & fine up to a point. Then I become the rebel, the anarchist & I refuse to play the game. Rather, I declare war & go on the offensive in my attempts to deal with these gobshites. And I have reached that point now...
And another thing... whats with the bloody flies?? buzzing around the house, dirty vermin. Get the hell away from me!
Specifically, people who attempt to 'control' & organise my day, my actions & especially those who attempt to tell me/control my beliefs & ideologies. This loathing I have also extends to those who regard the manner in which I live & my style of living as somehow inferior to theirs. They then have the damn gall to voice their biased opinions to me. Bastards.
I will not accept a directive that I must go somewhere, be somewhere etc at a certain time.
I will not accept obediently that I must conform with such & such policy just because the majority say that its right & proper to do so, & because the policy has been decided on my behalf by a body who did not ask my opinion in the first place. I am thinking now of the Nursing & Midwifery Council to whom I pay £65 odd per year for the privilege of being allowed to work as a nurse.
Rules, rules & more rules. Arrogant people believing themselves to be right, perfect, that their manner of living their life in their style is wonderful & that mine is shite & imperfect. Go to hell!!
I'll tell you what though...passive resistance is good & fine up to a point. Then I become the rebel, the anarchist & I refuse to play the game. Rather, I declare war & go on the offensive in my attempts to deal with these gobshites. And I have reached that point now...
And another thing... whats with the bloody flies?? buzzing around the house, dirty vermin. Get the hell away from me!
Wednesday 23 June 2010
I rest my case #
So there I was in a local coffee bar enjoying an afternoon coffee with an attractive lady I used to work with, when the young Fascist waiter with whom I am (unfortunately as it happens) acquainted with comes over to pass the time of day with us.
I know him to be a Conservative voter through & through, he is a university graduate who tells me that he cannot get a "better job" & has previously blamed the Labour Government for his employment plight.
Asking me about the budget, I tell him that I thought it draconian, that the Lib-Dems had yet again betrayed the electorate by going back on their election pledge not to raise VAT by sanctioning the increase up to 20% and that Public Service workers have once again had to suffer a pay freeze whilst the bankers who got us into this current financial mess continue to draw enormous financial bonuses.
This misguided bourgeois prat replies that it was not the bankers fault that we are in the financial mess, its the workings mans fault. He supported his belief by continuing to say that we were the ones who went to the banks to ask for loan for cars, houses holidays etc.
But I ask, what about the issue that the bankers continue to award themselves fat cash bonuses? To which he he says that it was "perk of their business".
Turning away I say to myself that this misguided young man deserves to work all hours God sends for a minimum wage as a waiter in a coffee bar dispite the fact he has some degree or other. I hope that his parents are proud of him & that one day he wont end waiting for hours to be cared for on a ward by one of the nurses whose pay has been frozen by his Fascist Government.
He didn't get a tip.
I know him to be a Conservative voter through & through, he is a university graduate who tells me that he cannot get a "better job" & has previously blamed the Labour Government for his employment plight.
Asking me about the budget, I tell him that I thought it draconian, that the Lib-Dems had yet again betrayed the electorate by going back on their election pledge not to raise VAT by sanctioning the increase up to 20% and that Public Service workers have once again had to suffer a pay freeze whilst the bankers who got us into this current financial mess continue to draw enormous financial bonuses.
This misguided bourgeois prat replies that it was not the bankers fault that we are in the financial mess, its the workings mans fault. He supported his belief by continuing to say that we were the ones who went to the banks to ask for loan for cars, houses holidays etc.
But I ask, what about the issue that the bankers continue to award themselves fat cash bonuses? To which he he says that it was "perk of their business".
Turning away I say to myself that this misguided young man deserves to work all hours God sends for a minimum wage as a waiter in a coffee bar dispite the fact he has some degree or other. I hope that his parents are proud of him & that one day he wont end waiting for hours to be cared for on a ward by one of the nurses whose pay has been frozen by his Fascist Government.
He didn't get a tip.
Sunday 20 June 2010
Thank you Mr Larkin....
Philip Larkin - This Be The Verse
They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.
But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another's throats.
Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don't have any kids yourself.
Sadly, I believe Mr Larkin to be correct. I wonder though just how much I have fecked up my 3 kids?! Thing is though,as parents we're not issued with a handbook guide on how not to feck them up.
We do our best though, as long as we love them & teach them to love & respect others then I believe we're on the right track.
They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.
But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another's throats.
Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don't have any kids yourself.
Sadly, I believe Mr Larkin to be correct. I wonder though just how much I have fecked up my 3 kids?! Thing is though,as parents we're not issued with a handbook guide on how not to feck them up.
We do our best though, as long as we love them & teach them to love & respect others then I believe we're on the right track.
It explains a lot folks....
Its taken me almost 58 years to arrive at the conclusion I am about to share with you people, and, to be honest it helps me understand a great deal about myself & MY behaviour.
This is the conclusion then: Over the last few weeks as I have become increasingly involved in my mothers daily care, she has become increasingly dependant upon my input & help in sorting out her everyday tasks.
When left to her own devices however she has managed to sort out the most mundane & on occasion complex tasks. The more that I have done the more she demands of me.
I believe now that my mother has a dependant personality disorder. This might seem heartless, but, reflecting upon her early childhood experiences (the details of which I will withhold)I can understand why she is like how she is.
Her behaviour causes me great emotional stress, frustration & at times anger. My professional experience reminds me that my feelings & responses are exactly the same as the responses I encountered caring for patients with a personality disorder whilst working as a community psychiatric nurse. (feelings & emotions common to all nurses caring for PD's.)
I am now engaged in the process of attempted to establish exactly what personality disorder type I am!?!! I am willing to listen to the opinions of others...especially my former CPN colleague John on this one!
This is the conclusion then: Over the last few weeks as I have become increasingly involved in my mothers daily care, she has become increasingly dependant upon my input & help in sorting out her everyday tasks.
When left to her own devices however she has managed to sort out the most mundane & on occasion complex tasks. The more that I have done the more she demands of me.
I believe now that my mother has a dependant personality disorder. This might seem heartless, but, reflecting upon her early childhood experiences (the details of which I will withhold)I can understand why she is like how she is.
Her behaviour causes me great emotional stress, frustration & at times anger. My professional experience reminds me that my feelings & responses are exactly the same as the responses I encountered caring for patients with a personality disorder whilst working as a community psychiatric nurse. (feelings & emotions common to all nurses caring for PD's.)
I am now engaged in the process of attempted to establish exactly what personality disorder type I am!?!! I am willing to listen to the opinions of others...especially my former CPN colleague John on this one!
Friday 18 June 2010
Health & safety gone mad???
I think that I've now heard it all. I am convinced that we in the UK have finally gone completely totally mad, obsessed by the 'Health & Safety' dominated society that we unfortunately live in.
Get this people: On the news today I heard that a primary school in Cardiff, Wales kept in the school children during their break time because a fox had been seen in the school grounds. The reason given was stated that it was n"as a precaution..." W.T.F. is going on?? Holy Mother of God! The country is mad, the kids (God help them) are more likely to be involved in a RTA on the way home I reckon than coming to harm from Reynard. Its all about litigation I reckon, so that the school/educational authority won't be sued were the child to slip & get a graze on their knee in their attempts to catch a glimpse of the animal.
Crazy, utterly without sensible justification. We have gone mad.
Get this people: On the news today I heard that a primary school in Cardiff, Wales kept in the school children during their break time because a fox had been seen in the school grounds. The reason given was stated that it was n"as a precaution..." W.T.F. is going on?? Holy Mother of God! The country is mad, the kids (God help them) are more likely to be involved in a RTA on the way home I reckon than coming to harm from Reynard. Its all about litigation I reckon, so that the school/educational authority won't be sued were the child to slip & get a graze on their knee in their attempts to catch a glimpse of the animal.
Crazy, utterly without sensible justification. We have gone mad.
Thursday 17 June 2010
Re:Watch this space...
Since my last posting when I said my intention to withdraw a little from my mothers care, I am mightily pleased to report that it has paid off. She hasn't poisoned herself, overdosed on Metformin or ant of her other medication(s) rather she has self administered her medications correctly & only once phoned me in a state of panic after she has almost had her debit card 'chewed up' in a ATM after she forgot her PIN number.
I have to point out that my mothers 'Pre-Morbid Personality' is one of panic & anxiety. I have no hesitation to say now dear reader that my faith in the system of care that I have practised throughout my nursing career i.e. that of 'Benign Neglect' continues to prove its worth & I would recommend it to any of you. I have also employed it successfully in the upbringing of my children. However (call it disarming the critic!) there are those amongst you who know my off springs who would disagree with me!
So tomorrow I take mom to the doctors to discuss a package of care & later I will take her to the local DGH where she will have the second treatment of four which will hopefully improve her vision.
I have to point out that my mothers 'Pre-Morbid Personality' is one of panic & anxiety. I have no hesitation to say now dear reader that my faith in the system of care that I have practised throughout my nursing career i.e. that of 'Benign Neglect' continues to prove its worth & I would recommend it to any of you. I have also employed it successfully in the upbringing of my children. However (call it disarming the critic!) there are those amongst you who know my off springs who would disagree with me!
So tomorrow I take mom to the doctors to discuss a package of care & later I will take her to the local DGH where she will have the second treatment of four which will hopefully improve her vision.
Friday 11 June 2010
Two months....
Its been about 2 and a bit months since I gave up full time work & joined the ranks of the retired & I am now able to give a (brief & somewhat limited) reflection on my life since leaving.
Aside from my holiday experiences in Spain & France-for which I did receive some financial compensation from Monarch Airlines life has far from settled down.
My retirement has somehow revealed fissures within my family and in truth caused me to become aware of just how influential my late father was in holding the family together & keeping it relatively sane. Dad was a strict ex army man.Free with his discipline & with his hands towards me but less so my brother. That said he provided for us all & continued to work up to 8months prior to his death. Though I can say that I never really found him an object of idyllic paternal love nor was I ever devoted to him in a son/father way.
To my mother he was (though she would deny it!) a source of strength. He dealt with everything & since his death she has gone to pot. She admits freely that she is "bone idle" Seldom cleaning, tending the garden or indeed completing a painted wall that me & Kate begun & left for her to finish 8 years ago!
Since dads death my brother & have have become estranged, his first marriage broke down & he now has no contact with me & little with our mother. Sad.
Now I have taken on (quite inadvertently the role of distant carer of mom (my brother lives with a stones throw of her). Mom for her part has become dependant upon me,this is causing me graet stress, physical discomfort & strain upon my family. She my mother, is continuing to live how she was from the time of my fathers death. i.e. can't cope,lazy, dependant, passive & passivly aggressive.
I have today though withdrawn a little with contact with my mother, whereas I phoned her 4 times daily & talked through her medication routine, I now have adopted a 'behavioural modification' approach in my management & care of her.
Watch this space.... ;-)
On a more cheerful note. I am overall enjoying retirement, though you could be forgiven for not thinking so! I have thrown myself into my cooking & baking, baking fresh bread daily. I have (like a real old grunter!) discovered the delights of the garden. I have a daily routine also. However I do miss people & I do feel a little lonely at times especially when my wife is at work.
I have started work in one of the GP's surgeries I used to attend. I go in monthly at the moment for 4 hours, see 4 patients & earn £60.It suits at the moment. I cycle & am enjoying the weather. All that remains to be done now is to withdraw a bit more from my mom & spend more time on me, doing some of the things I haven't done yet. EG going for a bike ride, going to the market, coffee in a bookshop in the city centre.
August is approaching & with it my eldest daughters wedding in Dingle Ireland. I have brought myself a new suit whilst me & Kate were spending a lovely day in Ludlow. I am looking forward to the wedding. We plan to spend time in Dingle then drive up to Belfast & visit Kate's mom with some wedding cake afterwards. That will be nice.
But I must make an effort to make contact with people,from my past, my present & make contact with those I have not met yet.
Aside from my holiday experiences in Spain & France-for which I did receive some financial compensation from Monarch Airlines life has far from settled down.
My retirement has somehow revealed fissures within my family and in truth caused me to become aware of just how influential my late father was in holding the family together & keeping it relatively sane. Dad was a strict ex army man.Free with his discipline & with his hands towards me but less so my brother. That said he provided for us all & continued to work up to 8months prior to his death. Though I can say that I never really found him an object of idyllic paternal love nor was I ever devoted to him in a son/father way.
To my mother he was (though she would deny it!) a source of strength. He dealt with everything & since his death she has gone to pot. She admits freely that she is "bone idle" Seldom cleaning, tending the garden or indeed completing a painted wall that me & Kate begun & left for her to finish 8 years ago!
Since dads death my brother & have have become estranged, his first marriage broke down & he now has no contact with me & little with our mother. Sad.
Now I have taken on (quite inadvertently the role of distant carer of mom (my brother lives with a stones throw of her). Mom for her part has become dependant upon me,this is causing me graet stress, physical discomfort & strain upon my family. She my mother, is continuing to live how she was from the time of my fathers death. i.e. can't cope,lazy, dependant, passive & passivly aggressive.
I have today though withdrawn a little with contact with my mother, whereas I phoned her 4 times daily & talked through her medication routine, I now have adopted a 'behavioural modification' approach in my management & care of her.
Watch this space.... ;-)
On a more cheerful note. I am overall enjoying retirement, though you could be forgiven for not thinking so! I have thrown myself into my cooking & baking, baking fresh bread daily. I have (like a real old grunter!) discovered the delights of the garden. I have a daily routine also. However I do miss people & I do feel a little lonely at times especially when my wife is at work.
I have started work in one of the GP's surgeries I used to attend. I go in monthly at the moment for 4 hours, see 4 patients & earn £60.It suits at the moment. I cycle & am enjoying the weather. All that remains to be done now is to withdraw a bit more from my mom & spend more time on me, doing some of the things I haven't done yet. EG going for a bike ride, going to the market, coffee in a bookshop in the city centre.
August is approaching & with it my eldest daughters wedding in Dingle Ireland. I have brought myself a new suit whilst me & Kate were spending a lovely day in Ludlow. I am looking forward to the wedding. We plan to spend time in Dingle then drive up to Belfast & visit Kate's mom with some wedding cake afterwards. That will be nice.
But I must make an effort to make contact with people,from my past, my present & make contact with those I have not met yet.
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