I've spoke before about my relationship with my biological mother, and, I thank Caron and Mel for their understanding and words of reassuring comfort.. However this week and latterly today whilst my spirits were already at a low ebb, they were kicked further into quagmire of hurt by her.
As well as caring for her day to day paperwork and affairs, 'mother' comes to my house 2-3 times weekly where she is cooked a meal, her clothes are washed, ironed & changed, she has a bath (because she will not change her clothes, or take a bath herself in her own house). She, today had on the same clothes that she was wearing 5 days ago. Today was no exception. She was given a full Sunday lunch, a fresh set of clothes & made comfortable before being driven home by Kate.
I attempted to make conversation with her, showing her the 'meals On wheels' receipt that was sent me on her behalf, offering her a walk in the garden to see the nest of Blue Tits & such forth. But my attempts at establishing a rapport were met with "OK, no. I'll stay by the fire its cold, the sunshine isn't that warm...."
Sod it then I left her to it. My morale was already low following her accusations concerning me to my brother earlier in the week.
These accusations were prompted by Esther, (my daughter) offering to go to her house & clean for her-provided that she, (mom) brought the cleaning gear-soap, scouring pads etc. Mom told my brother that this was being orchestrated by me as I was "only after (her) money & I was not to be trusted".
Today it continued. She stared out of the kitchen window during lunch ignoring me, (which I've gotten used too) & spoke only to Kate & or Esther. Then on her was home she walked past me at the front door tapped my tummy & said loudly on the street-"getting a bit fat round there aren't you?" & walked off to the family car.
That's just a comment & observation I hear you say...but this is an observation from a woman who squints at the salt & pepper pots at the meal table, saying that she has very poor eyesight! And it was a personal comment designed to hurt me. She knows what buttons to press.
I feel miserable, isolated, used & angry all at the same time. I'm unable to discuss my feelings with Kate-she's heard it all before & because at the moment I'm not able to move on from the batterings I receive from that woman who is my mother she's getting pissed off at me too!.
I care for my mother out of 'duty'. I'd rather have nothing to do with her if truth be known. But I can't do that because my brothers wife won't allow the woman across her threshold, & Stephen has precious time for mom anyway despite him being the "son that she waited for" as she often says.
But at nearly 60 years of age and a half you'd think that I ought to grow up & stop behaving as my late father often called me.."like a girl".
And you wonder why I work in psychological field of nursing?? Could it be an unconscious desire/need to put right my damaged psyche?? Hmmm....