My work cause me to feel tired. Tired physically, mentally & emotionally. After working a shift (& I only work 2 days weekly!) I go home & fall asleep in the armchair seated in front of the blazing fire. Its a bugger, because I'm trying to read & have my music on in the background. Next thing I'm full of Zzzzz's for about 20 minutes.Then I awaken & feel esurient for a morsel of chocolate of Marmite sandwich.. On Friday evenings I find myself reflecting upon the days.
The stories I have heard, the emotions I have unconsciously taken on from the person I have sat with, & often I feel an overpowering sense of sadness & helplessness that I'm unable to exorcise the angst from the person. I guess though that none of the guys I work with would have any clue that I 'suffer' these torments at the end of the day, given that outside of the sessions with patients I'm clumsy, chatty, cracking jokes & occasionally losing the plot when the photocopier decides that it won't work for Woolley!
But yesterday my boss (whom I respect as a fellow nurse, manager & man (even though he does follow a 2nd rate football team!) informed me that my employment might end at the latest in mid March 2012. He added that it may also terminate earlier, on February 6th 2012. This is because the worker whom I'm 'covering' returns for maternity leave & that funding for my post runs out.
This news saddens me. I love the work. I love 'thinking on my feet', giving some therapy to the patients I see, I love the crac with the others in the team. And yes, I will miss the periods of projective identification that sometimes overwhelm me during my spells on duty.
It will pain me to leave the people I've met, their histories & emotions that they have shared with me & the sheer pleasure I obtain from working with & being with professional nurses.